One More Light

Music is my lifeline to the divine essense. 

I connect to myself through music. I know that I must have been a musician in another life, I love and appreciate it so.

 

I am a lover of lyrics. I listen to them like poetry with the music and vocalization providing additional textures and layers to further the expression of the message - its nuances. I allow it all to envelope me when I can devote the time to it.

Teaching my children a love of music has been important to me. Music is communication for me. For the first few years we had the boys, I only played The Beatles or some traditional classical music...remember Baby Einstein? Having never acquired a gift to play music myself, I had to be selective of their teachers.

 

I pay attention to the music my kids listen to...I don't pick it apart and psychoanalize it, but I listen. It's a gold mine. And they both have some pretty good taste, I'm pleased to say. Especially because Evan like to listen to his music LOUD.

(Are you surprised??!)

 

My first born loves Linkin Park -- buys the discs and T shirts, even winter coats and guitarpicks and signed magazines -- a bonafide FAN.

We were driving to school and he was playing DJ:

"I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow..."

 

I'm of age to remember when this song ("Numb") was first released. I remember the feeling I had listening to it. It was released the same year we released Lucas, 2003.

I remember it was a tricky time for the song for me as I was just discovering how to be a mother myself. And I suppose that might just always be the case.

 

"… I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you…"

 

I heard him in the song. I heard myself. I heard us all in it when I listened with new ears or looked at it with a different lens...

 

Evan has just discovered the band...or grew into them. The boys have hit a new high in their relating with one another and they have been listening a little to music together. When I ordered Lucas's requested Christmas gifts, I accidentally ordered two of the Linkin Park shirts so I thought that it might work out to give Evan one too.

I briefly thought that Lucas might feel less special because of it, but, then pressed right ahead. These shirts were part of the gift from my parents that the boys would be able to open at my brother's house. When they opened them, not only was Evan actually pretty pumped about the shirt and the design and that his broither had one, but Lucas mouthed to me, "That is bad-_ss" and motioned between the two of them.

 

We have been in a big transition with our family and two of us with new schools to attend and work in -- so finding happy and content has been very important. We have cocooned a little while, but also worked to  allow Evan to still have some freedom. It is indeed a very delicate balance.

He has some limited access to social media and gaming. We have some physical expecatations to accompany this, and he's being held accountable for more of his chores too. We're sneaking in more and more structure while propping him up.

After a couple weeks of being so delighted to hear him singing in his room again, I awoke to his posting this video to his Insta. I quickly figured out how to download it because he NEVER allows me to record him and I just knew he might delete it (which he has since his Dad posted a comment on it!).

 

"If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In a sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We're quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do..."

 

I do too.

 

 

 

 

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