Crest of the Wave
I am trying to take care of me in the midst of some pretty wild and crazy life stuff. In a matter of a couple of days, I will not be able to talk much more about the case as we are moving to mediation next week. We have been on a roller coaster since the 30th of August and we're hoping that by January everything will be back on track for us and most of all, for our child.
He spouted off against his bully "friends" and asked them not to call him derogatory names and such. Apparently, this had been going on since about January and he was DONE. Unfortunately, the kid was a serious type of bully and reported him for his words (which were very bad, but I maintain are a reflection of the times in which we are living AND a manifestation of his disability) and so he (we) have some legal complications.
The best thing to come out of this ...besides the obvious good - OUR CHILD IS ALIVE - is that we know now what the "something else" is that we have wondered about since we got his ADHD diagnosis when he was 5.5. I feel better about all those nights spent in research, picking apart his symptoms and trying to understand the numbers in the testing reports. His current testing doctor says this is "such a complex case" and instead of being sad, I am grateful.
There's guilt. Parenting brings A LOT of guilt. Am I doing the right thing here? Is this what Is best for my child? These questions are super hard to answer, but one thing I know is that there are multiple ways to raise a child and many of them result in success. We may be running out of time for our kiddo, but we have done very well by him for what we knew, and we will continue to provide for him the best we can.
It will involve more therapy appointments. Probably two a week for quite some time. It may also include a good deal of tutoring and very hard work to get his academic skills in line with his abilities, but we are going to face it head-on. We do not have the actual results of his new Independent Testing Evaluation yet, but we have a preview and it is a more serious diagnosis than we (he) had before. But, mostly, it's just different.
The label associated with his behaviors and the way his brain functions does not change who he is. I have not wept and wailed about this situation. I am likely to have a good cry in the coming month, but I am seriously mostly just RELIEVED as we are moving to the close of this saga in his educational career. I am beginning to see a light at the end of this tunnel. It may have something to do with getting word that I WILL be released from my contract in the same district so I can move to a more progressive one and take him with me, but I am so glad to begin to have REAL answers that can make a difference in his life.
All we want is for our children to live successful, independent lives and knowing how his brain operates is a very large piece of that puzzle for him. AT LAST, we will be using the correct tools to make the necessary accommodations and modifications to our objectives with him, both at school and at home.
So - somewhere in there, I am trying to take care of me. When things get tight, my self-care is one of the first things to go. And things have been capital T, Tough. So, I have allowed my focus of late to be on my son and his battle. His name does mean "young warrior." I have chosen to battle for services to teach him so he can grow and learn - instead of on my business.
When I say it that way, I sound horrid. But, my business actually was a form of self-care. It was my hobby and my way to spread the joy of yoga to others who didn't want to complicate things and wanted gentle guidance through developing a personal practice of embodiment. But...I embraced this transition. I know I am learning what I am meant to learn at this exact moment in time.
There is something very cathartic about riding the crest of the wave. Feeling fully grounded and supported while knowing that one gust of wind could bring the whole thing crashing down in a nanosecond. And being okay with that.
How's that for healing progress?
I may as well ride the crest of the wave sometimes...while I'm here.