Day 1 in a MONEY MEDICINE coaching container
I know that to move past my current limitations that I must acknowledge them. I kept deciding when the best time to do the homework would be and I had to stay away from everyone's posts until then. I pull from others -- it's like it is only when I see it somewhere outside of me that I know I want it.
So, I wrote my ideas down and they fell-- flat.
So I peeked at a couple of others that had been posted in the group coaching program I entered. Yeah, those sound MORE like it. Juicy and full of life.
Like I used to be. Before I was taught that to make money you have to be ordinary. You have to "go with the flow."
I have played safe for twenty years in my public education career and it has gotten me a few places, but nowhere near where I would have thought I could go. I have played it safe, safe, safe and I moved to Austin to stop that shit and ended up in a WORSE place to teach. I went BACK in time and by the grace of the goddess I was able to get out.
I LOVE my new school environment. Seeing the inclusive rainbow EVERYWHERE brings me joy beyond my wildest imagination. It is so opposite of everything I have ever known and I am longing to embrace it.
I have run from teaching in a traditional sense because it has been so hard on me to have to MASK all of me, all the time. I am not ready to let my freak flag completely fly...gonna take some unwinding, but I love to be at a place where they SAY they accept everyone.
I am grappling with how I want to show up. New beginnings are perfect for reinventing...
Money was never in large supply when I was growing up. I had nothing much to speak of...nor did I need anything though. I remember wanting something and being told that "Money doesn't grow on trees" and "We're not made of money." I would always get a big gift at Christmas but there were no extras and I didn't miss them. I got a job three months into age 15 so I could have some school clothes I desired. I remember purchasing a waterbed for myself, a desk and all of my clothing and extras.
It is just how it was. I also didn't get any help healing my childhood trauma. I sat in my room and cried and wrote poetry and had no earthly idea what was WRONG with me and I began taking drama class to purge some demons I could no longer abide.
I immersed myself in these other worlds...finally - I do not have to choose -- I do not have limits on my potential. I can truly embody the essence of anything or any character I want to be...
I can just now recall that abandon...it has been elusive for so long.
I even went to college to study it...and I got lost again and again and again - along the Way.
I believed that you couldn't make money on your dreams. You'd better have a backup plan. So I left the dream aside...I mean - who wants to live like they are living their second-best life? Right?
So, I have lived the life of a shadow artist.
A teacher of the arts...fine and liberal. Only those who CAN do SHOULD teach, by the way.
I am ready to be okay with that path...proud of that path. I did the best I could do with what I had been given - when we know better, we do better. I have done well.
BUT, now, I can get back to ME. And every single role I play will simply be BETTER because of it.
Money flows freely and there is no worry because I will continue to be gainfully employed in my career. I will grow in my professional development. I will contribute and learn. It will be magic. I will learn to be myself - unapologetically for the first time in my adult life. My path will unfold without my need to hurry it along or "catch up" to some idea of where I envisioned I would be "by now."
I can allow myself to be ENOUGH. My current salary is ENOUGH. I get paid to READ. I mean - I have to do some grading too and that sorta stresses me out - but I get to connect to kids in their HEARTS by READING and talking about the things that books are made of. Sure, a masters degree *should be worth more, yadda, yadda.
SURE. I want to be a public speaker...an actor...a writer...make a difference.
I already am.
I already am. I already have. I already do.
Every, single day. I need to believe in that and resign myself in that as there is some magic to do. And I have to rest in the process in order for it to work.
All the money I ever need is already mine. THIS is what I now believe. All the money I ever want is also already mine.
I shall allow the light of my desire to rekindle and WANT MORE when I am at home.
Right now, I have to let all that other "career" bullshit go because I do not currently desire for it. I want to spend my energies investing in my writing and in my coaching/yoga instruction and in our hospitality business.
Our business will thrive on as a labor of love -- our desire to share a slice of what we have earned (and learned) through our journey and amidst our own struggles.
Our bank account will explode the MORE we believe.
2020 is my year for ease and flow and abundance. I am ready for some MONEY MEDICINE.