Tangled & Twisted
Oh y'all...I'm tangled and twisted and tired and spent and inspired and catatonic -- ALL at the same time.
As 2019 came to its fourth quarter, alignment came in to play in a quick hurry. Now, I am picking up pieces and loose ends after having to "stay strong" and "hold it all together" for months on end of relentless set-backs and obstacles.
We are NOT in the clear yet. We still need support and help, but no one really wants to talk about difficult things. I find that I drop everything and listen when someone reaches out, but I still feel that I am a burden to others. Maybe I do not move through my stuff fast enough for others...
Maybe I feel like "too much" to most people. Maybe people do not understand what it means to have a primary quest to feel right in one's soul above all else.
I know that one can be grateful and resentful simultaneously. I know that these feelings are real and deserve to be honored just like the more positive, encouraging feelings. If I choose to distract myself from feeling in some way, I am cheating myself of the growth opportunity that comes from being uncomfortable. The lesson will wait.
I dunno. Or maybe I do. Learning to trust that still, small voice has been a long process. "The map is not the territory."
Small talk makes me uneasy. But I have been pushing myself to be the one asking questions. I was never taught this communication skill except through acting in theatre and drama class and I can recollect HOURS of people watching and study of the behaviors and habits of people I interacted with who made me feel good. It is my goal to be that for others. I hope some days I do that for you.
Our holiday break consists of straightening and purging and reflecting on life with family and friends.
If you have any free time to give to yourself and want to chat, let's do that. I think the holidays are very lonely for a LOT of people and we want to be shiny and happy, but it is simply REALLY hard sometimes.
Allow the mirrors of your people to be your teachers. What upsets you is in you. What inspires you in them is found within you. Tap into it. Enjoy the amazing results.
I must share with you one of the best Yogi tea messages I have had in a while...
"Life is a flow of love; your participation is requested."