The beginning

It was late last week when this series of titles just came to me.

While I'm Here

While You're Here

While We're Here

I feel another book in me because I absolutely love to write, but I haven't actually started one yet. In fact, I have been doing a whole lot of EVERYTHING except writing. When I get a title suggestion these days, I am learning again to stop and heed the call.

I promised myself many years ago that I would listen. I affirmed to myself that, "even if on the highway at 65 mph, I will stop if I have something to express." Well, I didn't follow through with that much beyond about 1998 when my journal was exposed, but I have told that story before. It's my own fault. I shrunk the day that happened and I allowed that to continue for 17 or 18 years, at least in connection with my writing. When I wrote about changing habits to change my life in 2017, it's like it broke a seal.

My creative life has begun to soar again after such stifled expression for years and years. I made my living as a "shadow artist." A theatre educator, I channeled all my creative energies to others. I learned that term from Julia Cameron, best-selling author of The Artist's Way. I have since stalled on working through her book because I know that it will open me up in such a way that I will no longer be able to contain who I am within the current confines of this life I am living.

I know that I am meant for MORE than I have allowed myself to enjoy while I'm here and I am ready to go out and claim it. I have discovered in these two years since I declared to the world that "I Wanted More Than This" that being ready does not mean that things you are ready for will just find you...

Yes, opportunities present themselves, but we have to explore them and seize them. You know, while we're here. The question for me has become...which ones? It's a very good "problem" to have.

I attained a level of awareness about what I want from life and once that is evident, there is no going back. One cannot un-see, one can only choose to continue the evolution or to remain stuck. I have pockets of time where I am on a feedback loop or an overthinking circle of resistance, but I have come to that awareness again and again and it brings me back to the letting go that is so necessary in order to pick up something else.

If I want MORE, I simply must LET GO of something else I am carrying. This is ever-challenging but it is a good dilemma to have - to forever be asking, "does this serve me?" Through my embodiment practice, I am also learning to explore how certain emotions feel in my body. Sometimes they pool at my hips, other times, my back becomes stiff. My being mindful in my everyday life and in all my actions throughout the day, I need not wait until I am on my yoga mat to understand myself. I can take a small moment to engage in a micro-pose of a feeling I need to embody and whoosh, I am closer to there. More on this later.

The summer of 2019 has been one of major transition. Since 2010, we have been waiting for "go time" for the heart valve replacement surgery my husband needed. It arrived. And not a moment too soon. Things got pretty tough these past couple of years though I will save many details for now as those are probably less my story than his. He had his surgery on June 20th and his 5-week follow-up with his surgeon is next week. He will likely be given the okay to drive. He has been a real trooper through this whole thing and I have mad respect for him. He already feels like a new man and I am delighted to watch him discover himself again. It is extremely unnerving to walk around with a ticking time bomb for a heart.

In addition to this major life event, I have grown out of my classroom role. I have hit a wall in my teaching practice and I want to do something new. I know I can rise to meet the challenges in my classes, but I truly just do not want to do it anymore. I want to teach others how to do it. I know that may sound crazy, but I am just over it. I have been interested to move into something else for a long while now...since about 2011, so I LISTENED and took the test to get my Texas administrator license this year and I have begun applying to positions. Unfortunately, there are not a lot available and my current district seems pretty indifferent. I did not get the one admin position they interviewed me for and they have not even called me about three others to which I have applied.

Again, I know to listen... I knew at the start of all this inquiry into what might be next for me that I am not in charge. What is meant for me will get to me and none of these positions are it, for whatever reason. This makes it time to evaluate my business (MORE Yoga, Oils and Mindful Living), my writing life, my interest in performing and in film and also my desire to create a public speaking platform. Perhaps being "stuck" in the classroom is affording my the energy and luxury to pursue a personal artistic interest. So few of my students are pursuing the projects as the creative expression I intended, so perhaps my role as a shadow artist has ended. Maybe I should LET IT GO.

And this is where I sit. How do I live a life, while simultaneously letting it go ...

My friend reminded me, "When nothing is certain, anything is possible."

Yes.

Another friend suggests, "You are planting seeds, not hunting."

What will grow?

What shall I water ... while I'm here?

unsplash-logo Allie Smith

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